Tag: parenting

  • Deep roots grow strong trees

    “I used to think that top environmental problems were biodiversity loss, ecosystem collapse and climate change. I thought that thirty years of good science could address these problems. I was wrong. The top environmental problems are selfishness, greed and apathy, and to deal with these we need a cultural and spiritual transformation. And we scientists don’t know how to do that.”
    — James Gustave Speth

    [This is part two of The Social Side of Climate Change.]

    I’d like to return to the idea, in part one, that connecting our children with nature is key to unlocking both the passion and creativity to address the environmental (and perhaps social) issues facing us today.

    I would argue that our disconnection with nature has paralleled a disconnection with ourselves and one another. We do see this in the ways we relate to one another, very often through screens. Previously our schools, workplaces and families were places to grow in relationship. Critical spaces to test what’s permissible and possible within our relationships. The petrie dish, the first battleground is the family, something I’ve witnessed first hand. Difficult children need more time, more guidance. They need to make trouble in order to learn where and when to stop. This can’t be done if children are more attached to screens (much easier for parents!) than arguing around a board game. We have one child in particular who is very painful to play board games with – they are now in their teens – but we persist. With every argument I remind myself that this is their chance to learn social skills. The siblings often get the worst of their brothers or sisters, but they are all learning and it’s the parent who is most connected to be able to guide them.

    That’s a hard task, not for the faint of heart, the tired or the distracted. Things I and us all have been. And we’re allowed to be. That’s their chance to learn to give space.

    So the social nature of relationships is challenged by our current social cultures.

    Our nature-relationships are also challenged.

    Whereas, once before, outside play made up most of the domain of the young, here they are again constricted from very early ages to an outdoor space the size of a pen. If they walk outside those boundaries they hold hands and cross roads in straight lines, sticking to concrete paths and adult guidance. Gone are the days where mum and dad sent the children of the neighbourhood off together in a group down to the creek to fish with home made rods and hooks, maybe even a bow and arrow slung over a shoulder. Even playing cricket on a nearby oval, away from adult supervision, is a rare thing.

    This disconnection from nature doesn’t allow a child – who becomes an adult – to develop an intuitive sense of the natural world, to observe its rhythms and subtle and intricate interlinkings, to witness the relationship of the wind to the bugs to the birds to the foxes to the rabbits to the pollen to the grass heads to the leaves as they drop in autumn. They don’t see the old wombat hole overgrown with blackberries or the new burrow in the bank of a river.

    They don’t observe how the beautiful Orchard Swallowtail butterfly is the adult of the exquisite, scented caterpillar eating most of the lemon tree’s leaves. They can’t connect that the prolifigation of Painted Lady butterflies is a direct result of the nettle plants that were left to self seed over winter.

    They don’t realise that the answer to the mouse plague is to tolerate the snakes that come up from the nature reserve. They don’t observe to recognise that the snake is more scared of them than they are of it, and it’s more interested in the mice than the human. They don’t see the birds dying in their nests because of the poisoned mice now running from the homes where bait is used to attempt to control the plague.

    If they don’t see this, they don’t get the chance to care. They don’t develop the memory of seeing a sickly bird crouching in its nest, eyes opening and closing slowly as it quietly waits for death to come; or watching a smooth, silky snake swallow a mouse hole before sliding away again; or seeing a fat, brown wombat’s bottom wiggle into the hole it is digging out from under it. Then, as an adult, the plight of the poisoned bird, or the decline of butterflies in a suburb dominated by artificial grass, is so separate from the person as to seem to not even matter to our existence – when this is far, far from the fact.

    A child can quickly become attuned to the balance and imbalances of nature, if we just let them. The chance to sit back and observe nature in action can create children who are able to take stock, put pieces of a puzzle together, be quiet in their own thoughts and allow true creativity to arise – almost spontaneously from the rich hummus of thought that has been allowed to compost in a child’s heart and mind.

    One book I read about this connection spoke of a child in a daycare centre who’s “special place” was sitting, hidden in the one bamboo copse in the corner of the daycare yard. Even in a citified surrounding the child naturally gravitates toward that copse. Not only that, but it was the “special place” of most of the children in that centre.

    In this there is a clue that, building nature-care is as simple as including some wild places in our children’s lives, whether it’s the smallest plot of bamboo, a veggie garden, even a worm farm or a wind chime or an oval on which to watch the clouds. Bringing nature into our children’s lives should be at the forefront of any future-focussed person. Love and instinctive care of the natural world is where any sustainabile living needs to start if it is to be wholistic in scope and effective in practice.

  • The Wife Drought {Book Review}

    the-wife-drought-book-review

    I have finally read the luminous Annabel Crabb’s The Wife Drought. Annabel Crabb is an utterly reassuring person. What she contributes to our collective, Australian psyche is hard, I think, to overestimate. The fact that she has also reproduced (both the paper kind and flesh-and-blood kind) gives me hope in our collective future. She is the new kind of Aussie Character, taking over from the “Aussie Battler”, smart, energetic, witty, well dressed and so, so nice with her self-effacing grin softening every probing question.

    How could you not totally adore her.

    I have long loved her via Kitchen Cabinet, that rare gem of good television (thank you, ABC, you little ripper), and this book firmly entrenches Annabel (let’s not defer to last names here) as my number three celebrity crush. (Adam and Hugh are alongside her in equal ranks. Adam because, like Annabel, he effuses a new kind of Australian: eloquent, engaging and erudite. Hugh because as much as I like to see upandcomers do well it’s also good to see a nice British toff get all environmentalist and reformist, though I’m sure he makes a bit of cash off the back of it. Nevermind. I like him.)

    So, I guess you can see, I rate the book. I do. She offers stats, data and interesting little anecdotes supporting the need for more help for women wanting to get back into the workforce. She relates to our common humanity, my favourite line: “My definition of breaking point is when you communicate exclusively in shrieks and can only work while drunk.” Oh yes, you get us, don’t you, Annabel! You know what it is like to be totally and unshakeably human. She does not downplay the challenges in living a balanced, or even unbalanced, life in Australia. She knows the statistics tell personal stories. She knows these matters are complex, and often personal, so she gives them careful treatment in all their shades of grey.

    Not least she skirts very close to something I have long held questions about. That is that, yes, people do need the fulfillment of meaningful work, people do need to invest in their super so that they can retire without having to go dumpster diving (though some might enjoy that…aging hipsters?) and yes, careers can be fun but…men too need lives…and so she flirts with the unstated question: Do women actually have it pretty good in being (culturally acceptably) able to take several years off work (notwithstanding what that does to one’s professional life), but are men, therefore, missing out? So, perhaps then the single thing keeping women out of boardrooms is not just inequality of opportunity (i.e. no wives). The opposite side of that coin is that, well…maybe women don’t want to be competing in the workplace, not because it’s too difficult, but actually because they’ve got it worked out: family life is the good life! (If only it paid Super)  It’s the unasked question that Annabel doesn’t utter. And in uttering it myself I can happily say that I gladly “took time off” to raise kids (eight years in fact) and didn’t doubt myself or utter curses at the universe in the process. I wanted to do it. I would do it over. It would be nice if someone had contributed some super while I was doing it but…it was worth it. Many of the other mums I’ve met on the giggle and wiggle circuit feel the same. When I’m still working at 70 I’m sure it will still be worth it, because I’d rather work then than then, if you know what I mean. In fact, now, spookily mirroring the words of this book, my husband wants a turn. Having Annabel’s words cheering me on and validating this new turn of events is giving me the confidence and empathy to, why not, let him have it! It’s time for me to move over and let a man have a go, to switch the terminology around.

    Despite only fully unpacking one side of this coin, Annabel moves between stories like mine and national statistics (or lack thereof) taking us along on a rollickingly good ride with herself as the compere. She does a bloody good job of it and by the end she has us all convinced (not that we weren’t already) that yes, women do need wives! And also, yes, men need lives! I’m all for her advocacy of a little bit of switcheroo happening in the spirit of give-and-give so that we can all ride the merry-go-round together in a spirit of sharing the load, whether that’s domestic servitude or corporate slavery, power broking or block building.

  • It’s all an experiment

    My dad is getting older (no surprises there) and we are having some great discussions these days all about life.  I love the conclusions he is coming to.

    Some people seem to go through life and become more and more convinced that what they believe is damn well 100% right and that’s all there is to it (the blinkers slowly close in over the years), other people live and all they really learn is that they really know very little at all.  I like this latter kind the best and that is what seems to be happening to dad and I…the more we learn the less we know.

    We talked about parenting. There are stacks and stacks of books and books and seminars and classes and methods about how to parent. I have friends whose parenting styles are as different as pigs and bricks.

    It’s rather mind boggling and utterly confusing.

    There are so many empirical methods with spruikers calling their own methods the one and only from ‘to smack or not to smack’, ‘to cloth diaper or disposable diaper or even to just free-ball it’, ‘to homeschool or private/public school’ and parents agonize over all these little decisions which eventually add up to a life – their precious child’s life! It’s a big deal. And everyone is out there trying to drag parents through their own doors.

    But, you know what: the problem offers its own conclusion. There is so much information out there. There are so many different ways of going at it that basically it all boils down to this: Everyone does it differently and raising children is all a big experiment every time around.  Infinitesimal variability exists, so why bother over analysing.

    From going through the methods (well, just those I’ve managed to get around to) in all their muddy detail I can’t settle on just one.  Basically I like this approach: Be as well informed as you can be then just throw the books out the window and do the best you can.

    Ultimately that is what we will all have ended up doing. No person will ever parent perfectly (though some delude themselves), and all we can do is simply ‘the best we can’ and then after that we can only admit that we’ve made mistakes and let our children run off and make their own mistakes.

    That. Is life.

    That brings me to something else I’ve been thinking about and that is that the most important thing for a parent to say to their children (I think it may be as important as ‘I love you’ – because it does in fact demonstrate love.) is: I’m sorry.

    ‘I’m sorry’ is a perfect little phrase that sums up so much: I’m human too, I make mistakes, I think you are important enough for me to be humble about my failings to, I love you, you’re great and deserve better. That kind of stuff.

    And that is the conclusive way to parent your kids.

  • The main thing

    One of the things I’ve had to come to terms with, growing gradually older, has been my limitedness.

    ‘Can we have it all?’

    That’s something feminists have sometimes talked about.  Women can have it all.  When someone like me sees someone like the beautiful Clare Bowditch who can go on a tour with 1 year old twins at home, it blows my mind.  She admits it herself, that her and hubby co-parent, freeing her to do some much. Many seasoned feminists are beginning to say that women can indeed ‘have it all’ but not all at the once.

    That is reassuring news for someone like myself, who does not have a co-parenting relationship going on and who doesn’t put her children into childcare (both for financial reasons and also because I just prefer to look after my own children – I couldn’t bear to be apart from them, and we do get by…just, and even did so while Henry was a full-time student for two years).

    The thing is, I do still have ambitions, too many I think sometimes, and there are days, like today, where I feel them all churning around inside of me, itching to get out. That book I am yearning to write! The music I want to create. The languages I want to learn. The things I want to make, and most, most importantly the thoughts I ache to think. The thoughts that are there, so unvarnished and rough that need so much more turning over to become those polished gems that I know they are.

    And then, while these things flit, tantalisingly, through my mind Sophia will cry “I need to go to toilet! I need to go to toilet!” or Gunther will come and sook all over me “I’m hungwee! What can I have to eeeat? I want coornflaakes…!?” And my thoughts are reluctantly pulled toward the reality of the present. “No, you can’t have cornflakes. You have to eat something healthy!” “Noooo! I just want cooornflaaakes! Ooohhh sob, sob, sob.” “Okay, give me a minute. I have to take your sister to the loo then we’ll talk about it!”

    And so I am called from all these lofty aspirations to care for two little human souls and bodies, wipe their bottoms, blow their noses, brush their hair (occasionally), wash their faces, bathe them, mitigate their fights, feed their tummies, read them stories, teach them to read and write (which is rather rewarding!), hug them, kiss them, tell them I love them and just be there for them. Day in day out and on through the night.

    I struggle because I hear of mums who manage to write between naps, once the kids are in bed or who get solid chunks of babysitting relief, but I don’t have that. I have one very high-energy child who literally plays til she drops, and even when she is lying in her bed wriggles and sings and grabs and chats and hops up and down and no amount of ‘training’ has ever stopped any of these behaviours.  So by the time she finally does drop off, mid play, I am about ready to fall off my own perch myself!

    And I think then that sometimes it is okay to leave the ambitions til another day.  I intend to live to 112 and so I have many years ahead.  My kids will grow up, they will slowly begin to look after themselves and while those days creep up on us I will slowly add things to my pile of ‘things-to-do-in-the-future’ and ever so much more slowly will begin to take them off. And meanwhile I will do what I can now. I can still play piano and I can teach the kids how to play. I can continue to slowly learn French, and do that with the kids too. I can still build a bus with my husband. And I can still perhaps crochet a rug. I can continue to enjoy story-time with the children and just pray and hope the language consumed will in turn have a good effect on my writing. I can keep blogging!

    But I shouldn’t attempt to do everything right here and now because if I focus on my ambitions I will miss out on the beauty of the moment and there are lots of those, every day. I just need to look beyond the trips to the toilet, or even the missed trips to the toilet.

    And the grand reality is that, as a parent, you matter ever so much to these one or two or three little individuals and your interest and investment in their lives is paramount to their current and future happiness and self-actualisation, and to me this is too vital to pass up and shrug off.

    Though it’s hard sometimes and the desires still itch away.

  • Entirely themselves

    Ah kids. Such a gaping, huge puzzle to those of us grown up to better things. Kids to do as they’re told. Kids to be polite. Kids not to talk or yell or shout. Kids not to climb or jump on things. Kids not to ask too many questions.

    Shy kids don’t get yelled at so much.  Those naturally ‘good’ kids who are pretty content to do as they are told. Sit in the corner. Not to speak out.  They are ‘cute’ because they are too scared to talk, they don’t get in our way or demand our attention. We can give attention only when we feel like it.

    Kids like my fiery red-head get told off more. Curious kids get told to stop touching, stop asking questions, stop gawking.  Kids with more energy get told to sit still.

    Kids have to live with the world and some rules help this assimilation.

    But why do the shy kids get let off (until their shyness becomes an obstacle at least) while those struggling, curious, energetic kids are molded into…something they are not.

    I read a blog post about one woman’s shy little girl.  She is accepting that her child can be just her.  If her is shy then be just that…gloriously…says she.

    My girl is not shy. She is spunky, bold, curious, energetic, questioning, interested, fun-loving, mischievous, loving, wriggling, happy.

    She can be a bit rude. She needs to learn to sit still through dinner. She mustn’t hit her brother. And she needs to learn to respect the property of others.

    But her curiosity, her inquiring mind, her energy, her funniness. I want that all to remain. I want to foster her true nature so that as she grows she will be in no way conflicted and she will follow the path she was made to follow.

    I remember being puzzled at grown-ups rules. I remember feeling frustrated that no one would take the time to explain ‘why’.  These days when Sophia asks ‘why’ I take the opportunity to ask myself: ‘Yes, why? For goodness sake, why?’ Sometimes the ‘why’ shows us where our true priorities lie and shows us that we are caving to a value that we actually do not hold dear.  The ‘why’ must be asked.

    Growing up, the rules still held me back. The rules were not liberating. I felt fear at crossing some unspoken line and bearing the consequences.  Rules are not always helpful. Rules can bind us. Rules only go so far. I would rather teach my little girl to understand the consequences and make good decisions, than just follow a long list of arbitrary, obsolete, valueless rules.

    I feel that, as the world goes on, it fills with people and fills with rules. I feel that, in the future, when my girl is facing this world full of people and full of rules, I would rather her be able to see the rules and navigate around them, possibly break some of the stupid ones (there are stupid rules), and live a life of freedom and decision. And not always be the one who lives by the rules.  I’d like her to have the courage to break the old rules and make new and better rules, to be able to think outside the rules box.

    I guess this is my parenting aim.

    This society of ours builds a bunch of common values: Values money, values property, values power, values relationships, values career, values government, values safety.

    Values change.

    Not all values are ‘good’. Some values are destructive (e.g. the love of money often takes place in peoples hearts over the love of people). So, I am open to raising my children outside of societies normal values. Every parent passes on their own values.  Self-control may be a big value for some, so they raise their children around this. For others sleep is a big value, this is what they instill in their child, and the value gets passed on.  Adventure can be another value. Creativity another. An inquiring, scientific mind another. Stability another. Strength (physical, mental, emotional) another.

    And so all our children grow up to be different. Just like us.

    As a parent I sometimes struggle with how I think others think I should be raising my children. There’s pressure from everywhere: Family, School, Government, Society, Friends.  They all seem to have something to say on the right and wrong things for parents to do.

    We’re all different. And that’s okay. We need stable kids. Stable adults. Law-abiding kids. Law-abiding adults. Creative kids. Creative adults. Risk takers. Kids that challenge the norm. Adults that challenge the norm. Strong kids. Strong adults. Wimpy kids. Wimpy adults. We need leaders and followers and managers and visionaries.  So, our kids won’t always fit into one little box of ‘obedience’.

    And that’s okay.